Most of us don’t like conflict. We might hope to avoid the discomfort by avoiding the challenging conversations we need to have. The problem is that avoiding those conversations doesn’t make the underlying issues disappear. Difficult conversations are a necessary part of relationships and working well with others.
The good news is that when we’re willing to lean into the tough stuff and the uncomfortable feelings, it can significantly improve our work and home lives.
So why don’t we lean into tough conversations more often? Most of the time, it’s because we don’t feel confident or equipped to have them, and we’re afraid that if a conversation doesn’t go well, it will make the situation or our relationships worse. Fair enough.
The reality is often the opposite – avoiding these challenging conversations can lead to resentment and more breakdown in relationships. There’s a saying, “shovel the pile while it’s small”, meaning that the earlier you can address things, the less likely they are to build up and become huge issues that seem scarier to solve.
So how do we get better at having these tough conversations? Glad you asked. The first step is cultivating the courage to start learning and improving your ability to handle conflict and discomfort.
According to Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, we often make three major errors in our conversations:
- We assume we already know all we need to know to understand and explain a situation.
- We hide our feelings – or let them loose in ways we later regret.
- We ignore who we are, acting as if our identity is separate from the issues.
Being conscious of these tendencies and avoiding these common mistakes takes practice. The key is to shift our thinking from I need to explain myself (or deliver a message) to I need to listen and learn more about what’s going on. It’s the listening part that’s essential.
Here are five steps to help you successfully navigate "courageous conversations" at work.
5 Steps Towards Courageous Conversations
1. Seek First to Understand, Before Being Understood
Often, we go into a conversation wanting to be heard and understood. Ask yourself if you truly understand where the other person is coming from or if you’re making assumptions about their actions. Note: unless you’re a mind-reader, you are likely making some assumptions.
When we’re set on our point of view, we might not be open to hearing other solutions or points of view. Remembering that all viewpoints are just that - points from a view - can be helpful. We each have a different view (unique history, lived experience, etc), so the first step is to understand each of those viewpoints. You may not agree or be able to relate to their viewpoint, but taking the time to understand their perspective fosters empathy and can open you up to greater levels of understanding, which can lead to improved solutions.
Learning to listen to understand rather than to respond goes a long way. Think about how you feel when you sense that someone is fully present and wants to understand where you’re coming from. You feel heard and seen, which is what we all really want.
2. See People as People rather than as Problems
When we take some time to understand where the other person is coming from, it humanises the interaction. The first objective of the conversation is to reach a place of understanding. Once there is a sense of understanding, and both parties feel heard, we can sit on the same side of the table, to look at the problem together. There’s a big difference in seeing a lack of communication or a difficult situation as the issue rather than the person themself.
This can help us depersonalise the issue and re-humanise the person so we can solve the problem in the relationship, rather than fighting against each other and going nowhere.
3. Be Clear and Flexible
“Clear is kind”, as Brené Brown says. Taking the time to get clarity on your own feelings, needs and desired outcomes before you go into the conversation is vital. Knowing how you feel and what you need or want is the essence of assertive and effective communication. However, having a strict agenda can make conversations feel one-sided and shut down healthy dialogue. Remember, it is a dialogue, not a monologue.
Being flexible with the outcome makes sense because you may learn new things as you practice listening and understanding and gain insight that could lead to a better outcome. Going into a tough conversation to understand and be flexible can help you find the best solutions faster.
4. Take Care of Yourself
While productive when done well, courageous conversations can be emotionally draining, especially when you’re learning how to do the previous three steps. It’s important to check in with yourself throughout the conversation and notice how you’re feeling to keep things from becoming argumentative.
Be mindful of if and when you need a break. If you feel your emotions rising, you may need to step out for a breather, drink some water or pause the conversation. If you sense the other person might be getting agitated, suggest a pause or going for a walk. The physical act of walking side by side can help shift your perspective to tackling the issue together rather than feel like you’re talking at or fighting against each other.
If things get heated, pausing the conversation and returning to it when you’re in a calmer headspace is the kindest and more productive thing you can do.
Oftentimes you don’t have to figure it out and come to a conclusion immediately. It’s ok for things to get sorted out in a series of conversations. Take the time you need to have a respectful interaction.
5. Brainstorm Solutions Together
We all like to think we’re right. Sometimes we are, and sometimes we’re not. We all have blind spots and biases that can influence how we see situations, people, and the world.
A courageous conversation aims to explore options and solutions together, so the outcomes are win-win. Keep in mind that relationships that only go one way rarely last.
Explore solutions that meet both parties' needs or walk away, agreeing to disagree. If you can reach mutual understanding, create a plan toward the agreed-upon solution. You can peacefully end the conversation when you know you’ve done your best to find a resolution in a way that values the relationship.
Key Message
Tough conversations require courage. Remember that productive conversations are about valuing the other person, the relationship, and the solution more than just being ‘right.’ This is a helpful mindset with which to approach these kinds of conversations. Practicing courageous conversation skills takes time and energy but pays off in the long run by strengthening relationships and coming up with mutually beneficial solutions. Taking the time to prepare and get clear in your own mind how you feel and what you need sets us up for more productive interactions. When we each feel seen and heard, finding solutions together becomes easier.
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